i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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