my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
