This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
