You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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