dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
