I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
