On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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