Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
