Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
