I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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