the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
