I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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