Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
