Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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