don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
