she looked like the bat from fern gully.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They took my balls.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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