remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
