Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
