Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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