Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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