I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
