seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
