george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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