i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
