My hair reeks of homosexuality.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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