9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
