Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I need to calm my uterus...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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