i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
