i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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