no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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