remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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