Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
