I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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