I will die if light touches me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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