Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
