Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
