the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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