Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
