Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm getting married
To pizza
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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