my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
