hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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