people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
