I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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