I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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