It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she smelled like a LAN party
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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