That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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