Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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