I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
