gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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