oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pants are for mortals
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
