Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I want to fling myself into the sun
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
