I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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