im about as happy as oj after his trial
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
