cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Randomize
