last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
