so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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