the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
