you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
