Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
